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Finally, the book is out.
This book has created so much conflict within me. I was stuck between the place where I am now, which is a great place and the place I was.
I have have worked on healing myself. I am happy, and my life is full of peace and joy. I know my truth, I own it fully, and I have completely forgiven the people who contributed in the experinces I share in this book.
So because of this, I felt I didn't need to share my past experiences as they no longer affect my present life. It makes so much sense to let the bygones be bygones.
Then there is this part of me that wishes there was a book like this when I was going through these experiences or even before I experienced it. I would have understood what I was going through,I would have been better prepared to handle myself and I would have felt less alone.
Although I am no longer stuck in that cycle of events and I am in a much better place now, that was part of my journey, and there are a lot of people who are going through what I went through, and I feel the responsibility to share hope with them.
This book was never meant to be a book; it was my journal, a way that I processed what I was going through. Some of the entries were made during my private therapy sessions.
So it is really a hard read and maybe even triggering for some. It is a book that bares some of my wounds, the ones I have chosen to share for public consumption, and it is scary.
Do not worry, it has been edited, so it is not as gruesome as you might think. Also, I have tried to write it truthfully without demonizing the parties involved. I have even made my intentions to publish this book and tell my story for the sake of respect.
Although it is as authentic as it can be, this is not the full scope of the story, and I have spared you all that. I wanted to share parts of the story that I hoped would be validating to you and also parts that would help you regain your identity and, moreover, make you feel seen.
Writing and releasing this book was confusing for me. On one hand, there's an amazing sense of freedom and liberation as I break free from that part of my life. On the other hand, I suddenly felt an overwhelming amount of shame.
This is the shame I felt for letting myself down—looking back and realizing how far I had abandoned myself. It's the shame of, at some point, choosing to believe someone else's narrative over my own understanding of who I am and allowing them to take my identity, replacing it with one they deemed more suitable for them.
It is the shame that, despite always knowing and loving who I was, somewhere along the line, I stopped believing in myself. I have found this to be a very interesting feeling because how can I feel shame for what someone else did to me?
However, I am realizing that despite forgiving everyone in this part of my life, I have yet to forgive myself. I am holding myself hostage for letting myself down, which differs from accountability because accountability does not evoke feelings of shame; on the contrary, it is liberating.
This is a new revelation, a new dragon to slay, and so the journey of healing and self-discovery continues...
... always a work in progress.
Nontobeko