As a woman now in my mid-thirties, when I reflect on my younger years, I see the immense pressure that was placed on women to make themselves stand out in order to be desirable to men.
While I do understand and partially agree with this concept (I will address this in a separate blog), it saddens me to think about the burden it placed on women to put their sense of value in the hands of someone else.
Recently, someone confided in me, stating, "I have never been chosen by a man, even when I was at my best age and weight. Even those who "chose" me never fully committed and ended up choosing someone else." I deeply care for this person, and as they have lived longer than me, I struggled to find the right words in response. Not because I have never experienced heartbreak, but because I couldn't fully relate to their experiences.
In my own life, I have been chosen by people whom I also chose, as well as by those I didn't reciprocate feelings for. It has been a result of various factors, such as our compatibility or realizing they were simply not a good for me and I wasn't for them. Obviously their loss because I am basically perfect ... All jokes aside...while it is completely natural to desire love and affection from a romantic partner, it is absolutely crucial to understand the importance of choosing and loving oneself first. We all want to be chosen, and despite what popular culture may suggest, nothing is more beautiful than being chosen by someone you love. Knowing that someone could have chosen anyone else, but they deliberately and continuously choose you every conscious day. However, I write this today as someone who has experienced being chosen by someone who wasn't good for me and in a twisted way maybe I wasn't a good for them. It is important to acknowledge that being chosen doesn't always equate to a positive outcome. Sometimes, you being someone's choice can turn your life upside down.
Being chosen by someone doesn't hold significance if they can't love you correctly. The goal is not just to be chosen, but to be chosen by the right person for you.
Although I love fantasy and often escape into that world in my own life, I am not a fantasy writer. Therefore, I have to be honest and tell you that this kind of reality is not the case for everyone. As hard as it sounds, not everyone will have the privilege of being chosen by the right partner and live happily ever after. It is not their fault; it's just the flawed world we live in, where people have the most important gift - free will.
So what do we do with this desire for love, affection, and the longing to be chosen?
The freedom lies in understanding that you have to choose yourself. Every single day of your life, you have to choose yourself, not in a selfish, self-absorbed, or narcissistic way, but in a way that shows love, gentleness, and kindness to yourself.
You are not perfect, and you never will be, but when those thoughts of self-rejection, self-doubt, and self-criticism show up, they must encounter a more equipped version of yourself, someone armed with the knowledge of self and all the great qualities you possess. There may be aspects of yourself that you don't like, but you own those and work on changing them at your own pace. Put in the necessary work and sacrifices to make yourself feel good about yourself.
Placing our happiness and sense of value in someone else's hands relinquishes control over our lives and emotional well-being. By choosing ourselves first, we become less vulnerable to the opinions and actions of others, creating a solid sense of self that remains intact regardless of external circumstances.
You are not perfect, and you never will be, but when those thoughts of self-rejection, self-doubt, and self-criticism show up, they must encounter the knowledge of yourself and all the great qualities you possess.
There may be aspects of yourself that you don't like, but you own those and work on changing them at your own pace. Put in the necessary work and sacrifices to make yourself feel good about yourself.
Travel the world, loose the extra pounds, go to therapy, pray, cut your hair, get a skincare regimen, join a book club...do whatever you have to do to improve the quality of your life and do it while loving yourself.
There is so much more life than waiting to be chosen...you are already loved, you are already chosen.