Being a single mom is not something that I chose for myself. Yes, yes, I am the one who left the relationship, so technically, in one way or another, I chose it.
Athough, one could argue that, I was more like pushed into it because sometimes someones behavior makes the choice for you.
I remember after I had made the choice to leave, a lot of people- some well meaning tried to tell me that it wasn't a good idea to leave a marriage because it will be harder for me to find someone to love me with two kids.
They had come to the conclusion that it was okay for me to stay in a marriage that was not only harmful to me, but ultimately harmful to my kids.
They were trying to tell me that it was better to stay in a toxic relationship, than being a single mother. I either had to choose a bad relationship because having children somehow makes you less deserving of love.
They underestimated my love for my kids and my willingess to find peace and joy and fullfiment in being a mother who remains single forever.
I listen to some podcast, although I am very selective of my media cosumtion, some if theswe toxic ones find the way to slip through the cracks.
It wasn't that I have a problem with people's preferences. When I was childless and single, I only preferred dating men with no kids. It had nothing to do with the man having a kid; it was more about me not having the experience to take care of a child or even know what to do with a child.
It was easier to deal with someone who also had no children. However, once I was a mom, my prioritues changed and even though I was open to dating someone with no kids, I really wanted someone who understood what it is like to be a parent. I wanted someone who was dad; again, no problems with men with no children.
My issue with these podcasts was their lack of basic understanding of the ways a woman becomes a single parent. They thought somehow single moms are looking for a replacemnt dad for their kids, or someone to rescue them out of a dire situation. They fail to realise that some of these moms rescured themselves when they left their past relationship.
They also assume you are a single parent because you are promiscuous. They peach that because you are a single mom, you don't deserve a good man, so you have to settle for anyone that comes your way.
Thankfully, I was pretty good with being alone and if having kids disqualifies me from finding love. Then let it be so.
However, I also know who God is, so I prayed
that I would fall in love with someone so special and with a pure heart, a prayed for a man who would not only adore me but would also adore my kids. I wanted a man who my kids can trust. The Lord brought him to us — a friend, a lover, a father, a generous man, a caretaker, a mentor, an encourager... a man in persuit of God’s heart.
It’s a lie of the enemy to make you believe that having kids disqualifies you from having love. I’m not saying that it is easy, but I’m saying you are worth it. Your worth is not attached to whether you have children or not. There are great men whose values are not based on shallow philosophies of internet "love experts" who don’t have healthy relationships with themselves or have an understanding of what makes a person high value.
As Bob Marley said: " Some people are so poor, all they have is money."
You and your kids deserve pure love, love that doesn't hurt you or enslave you, or make you feel like you are less than. You deserve someone who will look at you and your kids like he's always been part of your family. Someone who is ready to take on the responsibility of raising humans with you. Someone so pure at heart. This is a high-value man. His character, integrity, mind, and heart make him high value.
But I want to stress on this point, single mothers be good to YOU. You don't want just anyone to be in your kids life, your vetting process should even more intense now that you have kids. I know you can handle a heartbreak obviously have gone through one as a single parent. But if you don't do your due diligence and if you don't wait on God, you will bring someone in your life that wont break just your heart but you kids hearts too.
If there are no prospect, choses singlehood because it is amazing when you are whole, healthy and happy with yourself. Until God sends that man, stay put and enjoy your kids.